im upset with myself. angry with my body. my knee my ankle for not being stronger. and because of these injuries i cant move to the music as i used to. i duno whats wrong. i want to throw myself back into dance again but i know i have to ease into it again.
Nothing can move/anger/distress me more than having to see children suffer at the hands of war makers and discrimination, of hatred and greed.
oh the atrocities of mankind!!
it sickens me to the very core and humiliates me to be part of mankind.
—
on a separate note:”Love u too dear”
wah first time male friend said this to me. and i didnt even say it before.
HAHA
you never said this would be easy. so i slipped and fell hard again today.
no matter how i try to get away from matters of the heart, they just seem to come back to me. like a boomarang!
aiyoyo.
on a side note: thank you for all your words of wisdom, your comfort. i still feel so close to you even though you’re miles and miles away.
keep emailing! (:
in ways tt i cannot see or hear. but tonight i do and it hasnt been any clearer what it is i have to do.
will we always not get what we deserve?
two of my best friends have recently been hurt badly by unfortunate events. and it pisses and pains me how bastards and bitches can get away with things like these.
you both deserve so much better- don’t settle for 2nd best.
as much as i track the blogs of others, i never once visited mine.
feeling emo again. so much has happened over the summer and it’s gg to come to an end soon. NO MORE REST.grr.
i miss u! :( why?
Quite a bad day for numerous reasons. 1) first screw up at work 2) hearing about 2 more swine flu cases on the ny bsm trip 3) getting a call from my mother and sister separetely to hear that my family cannot stay under the same roof after all these years without having holidays totally ruined cos of fighting. 4) dwindling savings. 5) not seeing u. 6) hearing about this from u, makes it even more difficult than it already is. 7) temptations. fuck.
thiis going to be a very lengthly post, hence the need for different parts. I owe this to myself, and I should have done this long ago. From pent up feelings, joys and sorrows to hopes, fears and aspirations. I dun think i will be as honest as i will am now. for the sake of privacy i’m gg to avoid using full names.
Here goes.
Part 1: the one with the past lovers. Why I start with love? I don’t know. Perhaps in the end, it’s what matters. And I don’t really remember much when I was single. Boy crazy? No I don’t think so, i think i’m just one who’s better at being a gf than being single.
C: You were the first boy who taught me about love. you taught me what it’s like like to have someone love you and you love back. you were my first kiss, my first hand holding experience. and you were the first to break my heart.
YOU messed up. You did the most horrible thing a person could do. and till now i don’t know how you could do something so horrible to someone you said you loved. and for that reason I try to forgive you but it’s really difficult cos u really really hurt me. of all people you had just had to choose her. and speaking of you. it was damn low of you to have done something like that. and it makes it even harder that i have to see you around, and we somewhat have the same social circle. i dont make an effort to show my despise for someone like u. you both are the biggest disappointments in my life. i look back and i feel so damn stupid for trusting and being sincere in my friendship. i just hope that you dont break others hearts like how you did to mine.
and u know u didnt even apologise? its like you never felt sorry for what you did u bastard! and the fact that i have to deal with remnants of you in my life sucks. im just wtv alr. if u were to sort me out to talk to me (like what u told my cuz) i’d say F-off. ppl like you not worth my time. worth my forgiveness? i duno. this is where im conflicted. i know im supposed to forgive. but i still disgusted at u for what u did. maybe u changed. but only God knows.
B: u already know how sorry i am for doing what i did. and im glad we made ammends. from the numerous bus ride memories home followed by exchanging of letters to last us for the week, it was sweet while it lasted. i’m sure u’ll be happy when u find someone right for you and when you figure out what you want. i just hope u dun let what happened in ur family to limit urself. im sure u’ll unintentionally break alot of hearts when u go to uni!
JC: ur the only one whom i know i can rely on in terms of being there for each other even though things didnt last. ur the special one, and i think u know why. im really happy for you now, and it’s great that you’ve finally managed move on from me. i dun have any hard feelings btw us. and i think its cos we were good friends even before we got tgt. u probably must hate me cos of all the mistakes that i made. i rmb tt night very clearly. when i chased after you. and yet you still remained by my side even when u had every reason not to. i was just stupid not to treasure you more after that. well things got complicated but it was really good while it lasted la. i miss you at times still. and we don’t talk as often as we used to. but i think u’ll be in my life for a long time. When you need someone to turn to I hope u rmb I’m still here.
JT: where do I start with you? We had such an intense relationship, 2 years worth of love. intense love. All those incredibly huge fights, but then we’d make up and everything would be ok. out of all, I loved you the most, I don’t know why, because I think you won me over with your sincerity. And it REALLY broke my heart to see you leave cos I knew it would be our very last goodbye. I don’t think I ever cried that much in my life. We ended things not cos we didn’t feel for each other but cos of circumstances. Not cos we stopped loving each other. Even though we tried to keep it going, the fact that you live overseas meant that your life was there and mine was here. And I didn’t know if I wanted to hold on cos u said tt we wouldn’t. But what I didn’t expect was for you to just cut me out of your life like that. No reason, nothing at all. U left me to grapple with life without you. And then I found out that you were seeing someone else over there not long after we ended things. I was heartbroken. And she seemed to be like me in many aspects. Although I didn’t tell anyone, moving on was SOO difficult. Everything I saw from police cars, to cheese, to WRX’s, to even driving in my car- everything reminded me of you. And it was worse cos I didn’t tell my family that we ended things so they still asked about you all the time.
So I tried for over a year to get over you. And slowly I pushed myself to the limit to try to do everything to forget you. I kept myself busy. Focused on other things that needed to be fixed. And always neglecting this part of mine that needed mending. Until recently when i heard you were back. I wanted to see you badly. To see if I still felt the same way about you. I was scared that I would. And that would make me really pathetic and lost as to what to do. I am glad that in some ways we didn’t. cos I wasn’t prepared for what I could find, even though I thought I was.
Now, from the sparse emails we’ve been sending over the past few weeks I think I know for sure that we wouldn’t have lasted cos we’d just fight too much and ruin whatever good memories we had. Ur still the same strong headed and possessive person. U say ur trying to discover god, but how can u do so when ur criticising mine and condemning that catholics won’t go to heaven? Isn’t it really judgemental of u? only god has the right to judge. and I dun get how u say u can hate my religion when all u do is make sweeping statements and generalising everything that u hear to apply to everyone of us. it’s not that we wldn’t have worked out cos of our diff religions but its cos of how you get when ur so caught up in ur own world and u have a lot of growing up to do.
For that I’m glad to say that I’m really OVER you.
Ok enough for one day. It gets tiring thinking about things like these.
SYTYCDC TIME!
rely on this joy.
to get you through a sucky 2009.
i need to write that entry soon.
elissa and i talked today. and i realise that I’m not the only one who thinks shes fuckedup right now.
Thank you Lord, for all the blessings I cannot see.
sun’s almost rising now and I haven’t closed my eyes all night .In the not so far distance I can hear the mrt as it screeches to a halt, welcoming aboard its first dewy eyed passengers, preparing themselves for the flurry of activity that awaits them.
I am having trouble sleeping. My heart feels so heavy with things that I can’t put a thumb on. I feel sad, frustrated, angry. old feelings are beginning to surface again. This time stronger.
I feel so angry at so many people. Or maybe it’s just pent up resentment for myself.
My Lord my God, I am crying for your help. Please do not forsake me now.
apparently there is such thing as a bottomless pit.
WHY.
SO MANY QUESTIONS SO LITTLE ANSWERS.
THE SCENT OF SUMMER REALLY STINKS RIGHT NOW.
nb.
